


high and dry

by constant



Series: we're putting the band back together [1]
Category: Stray Kids (Band)
Genre: Aged-Up Character(s), Alternate Universe - Rock Band, Angst, Band Fic, Feelings, Flashbacks, Heavy Angst, Implied drinking, M/M, Non-Linear Narrative, band au but also kind of a wedding au, implied smoking, implied unhealthy coping mechanisms, music industry references may be inaccurate, so many feelings
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-24
Updated: 2020-09-24
Packaged: 2021-03-08 02:02:39
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 19,315
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26578012
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/constant/pseuds/constant
Summary: “So, have you thought about it?”Hyunjin sighs and shakes his head, the words of his excuse hanging at the tip of his tongue. Before he can say them out loud, Changbin drops an envelope on his lap.“He sent out invitations?” Hyunjin asks as he tears the seal carefully.“Of course, dumbass. It’s his wedding.”Or: In the midst of the band's 2-year hiatus, Hyunjin receives a wedding invitation. As Hyunjin gives in to Changbin's persuasion to attend the event, he sifts through a barrage of unsettled feelings and the rekindled hope of seeing someone again.
Relationships: Hwang Hyunjin & Seo Changbin, Hwang Hyunjin/Kim Seungmin
Series: we're putting the band back together [1]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/2018842
Comments: 26
Kudos: 118
Collections: EQUINOX





	high and dry

**Author's Note:**

> -prompt #005 of equinox fic fest  
> -uhh i couldnt be bothered to create my own lyrics/songs to give to the band so i just borrowed some from existing legends. with that said, full credit all goes to them ! you can find the playlist [here](https://open.spotify.com/playlist/2MQVKistrzj8u6EDo684Ql?si=DrqBnFXoTLeFdz2LhUZEug)  
> \- to meg, who called this the wedding au and had effectively made my heart melt by doing so - thank u for ur kind words <3  
> -BIG THANKS TO THE EQUINOX MODS ! thank u for all the effort and time in making this event possible ! ily  
> \- lastly, i have to let it be known that i owe every word of this piece to [this](https://open.spotify.com/track/5SlU0Yhi51jobhEiGE4xDv?si=D1JGY13nTHKYG12tqsT06A) song. this is inspired by SO many songs out there but this one's on the top of the list.  
> \- enjoy reading <3  
> 

_It's the best thing that you ever had_  
_The best thing you have had is gone away_  
_- **High And Dry, Radiohead**_

Hyunjin just wants to purchase his snacks in peace. 

His entire week had been bombarded with persuasions and ultimatums, all of which carried out by Changbin. Hyunjin thought he would never stop until he gives in, but his tormentor has somehow decided on a day off and Hyunjin relishes in his solitude, aware that Changbin will show up in his face again soon. 

The store is a bit crowded today, for some reason, as if everyone in the neighborhood had a sudden urge to fill their stomachs with energy drinks and/or ice cream. Hyunjin doesn’t mind the number of people around just as long as they let him in his own business. 

So far he has made it to the counter queue with no problem, balancing chips, cans and milk cartons in one arm and holding a popsicle ice cream with the other, that is until a young man, who is making his way to the end of the line, stops in his tracks and peers at Hyunjin in interest. 

"Hey, I know you!" The young man exclaims, his voice so loud that it seems as though the whole store has heard him. He seems only a few years younger than Hyunjin, and the glint in his eyes looks both nostalgic and dreadful at the same time. Hyunjin knows that look too well. He has seen it in their fans' gaze over the years. 

"No, you don't." Hyunjin deadpans, then directs his attention back to his melon-flavored ice cream. 

"No, no. I do! You're Hwang Hyunjin from the band, _The Sign_!"

Heads turn to their direction instantly and Hyunjin wishes he could be the ice cream he’s holding, so he can melt away and remain fluid forever. 

Hyunjin's abashed reaction must have settled the young man's resolve. "Oh, I knew it! Oh, my brother was such a big fan of yours. Our room was full of your posters and we used to fight over it because there wasn't enough space for my Twice ones."

Hyunjin glances warily around them, aware of the unsolicited attention. Then he leans closer to the young man, whispering, "Okay, pal. You've proven my identity. Will you keep it down? I'm trying to lie low here." 

"Oh, right! Of course! Sorry." Even in his apology, the man still doesn't learn to keep his voice down. 

Hyunjin gives a final nod before turning his gaze forward, realizing that he's next in line to his utmost relief. He's determined to pretend the interaction never happened, but the fan doesn't appear to be on the same page. He continues whispering questions and recalling moments of his fanboy life that the teenager in between them offers her spot for him, so now he's directly behind Hyunjin. 

"Do you remember _Killing Smokes Tour_ in Busan?" 

Hyunjin feels his heart drop at the string of familiar words. (Try: the best tour they ever had. Try: the best six months of his life.) 

"My brother practically dragged me to your concert just so he can prove how sick you are. I bet he's only done it so he can pin more of your posters in our room-" 

The counter clears and Hyunjin finally gets to step forward, laying down his purchases, blocking out the blabbering fan behind him. He pretends to be occupied in a conversation with the cashier, asking if they have the gum in strawberry flavor he just picked up. The cashier only shrugs, then proceeds to bag his purchases at a quicker pace. Hyunjin doesn’t know if he sensed that he is in a hurry, but he’s grateful. As soon as his change was handed unto him, Hyunjin grabs the bags in haste, eager to leave before the fan can even think of catching up with him. 

"Hyunjin-ssi! Wait!" 

This only pushes Hyunjin to pick up his pace. He has made it a block away from the store when he hears the fan calling for him again, hot on his trail. 

"Hyunjin-ssi! Please!" 

With a sigh, Hyunjin turns towards him, saying, "I don’t allow photos, but I can give you my autograph." 

The fan perks up at the suggestion, then his face softens a tad bit as he asks, "Do you really not remember me?" 

"No." 

Hyunjin's sure he has not seen this man before in his life. 

The fan lets out a disappointed sigh, but his dismay doesn't even last a second before his smile resurfaces again. "I was one of the fans you brought up on stage to sing _'Farewell'_ with you!"

"There were like a thousand fans who participated on that stage, pal." 

"Of course there were! But remember the one in Busan? _Killing Smokes_ tour?" 

Hyunjin shakes his head. " _Killing Smokes_ was ages ago." 

" _Killing Smokes_ was only three years ago." 

"Was it?" Hyunjin asks absentmindedly, shifting his weight from one foot to the other. He should have just gone on his way and ignored the fan. He knows that recalling anything that has to do with the band will leave him feeling uneasy again, but he has always trouble resisting fanservice. And he just can’t find himself ignoring this one, even if he’s loud and annoying. 

"Anyway, do you remember when Minho broke his guitar strap in the middle of the performance and someone held the guitar up for him until the crew came over to fix it?" 

"That was you?" 

The fan grins cheekily. "The one and only." 

。。

Hyunjin doesn’t need to sort through his bag of memories to know what particular moment the fan is pertaining to. He remembers the moment like it was only yesterday. Hyunjin thinks that no matter how many years get in between him and the memories he has stored up in his heart, he will never forget the feeling of being onstage, of hearing the cheers, chants, and sing-alongs, and of performing with the people whom he had created a special bond with. 

_Killing Smokes Tour, 2017_

Hyunjin has never felt more electric. He knows that part of the crowd is singing along, and the other part is screaming - screaming for him, screaming for his bandmates, or just plain screaming. He knows that his bandmates are probably just as lost as he is to the music. He’s aware of the energy, the vibe, the excitement, but he’s not paying attention to anything around him except for the bass in his hands. 

Minho, who always does things his way, transitions to a riff that joins the crowd together. Hyunjin glances at Changbin by his place at the back of the stage, giving him a glance which says, 'Can you believe this guy?' and the drummer only shakes his head, chuckling before slamming into the percussion, and they both catch up with Minho in a second. 

Seungmin abandons his place at the center, looking towards the crowd as he addresses them with a request. Soon, a few of the lucky fans are chosen, all assisted by Seungmin to the stage even though the bouncers by the barricades can handle their jobs just fine. 

Seungmin assigns their parts for the song on the spot, arranging them in a line before leading the song. 

One fangirl suddenly runs towards Hyunjin and embraces him in a sloppy hug, the bass guitar wedged in between them. Hyunjin’s little concentration bubble burst at the sudden intrusion, and he’s lucky enough to stumble through the notes for only a second until he hears Seungmin’s laughter echoing into the mic, and just like that, he’s losing his place once again. 

That was the same performance the fan has been telling him about, because not long after, the crowd gasps, and the guitar chords stop for a heartbeat and a half before Minho miraculously manages to pick his pace up. When Hyunjin looks towards his direction, he sees a boy crouched by his feet, the guitar’s body resting on the top of his head. 

。。

"Wow. Can't believe I'm in the presence of a legend-" (The fan lets out a bark of laughter at this.) "-Minho was eternally grateful for that, you know. Took him half of his savings to save up for that baby." 

"I should actually be the one to thank you guys. I was an instant celebrity in school. And of course," The fan reddens as he looks at anywhere except Hyunjin, gaze shifting from one thing to another, “I became an instant fan as well.” 

Hyunjin smiles, struck with a sudden affection for the fan. 

"I'm Jeongin, by the way."

“Well, Jeongin-” Hyunjin begins, his hand already rummaging through his bag of snacks. He pulls out the other melon popsicle which he plans to save for later, then hands it to the other. “Consider this as a token of our gratitude.” 

Jeongin’s eyes widen in surprise, as if Hyunjin’s handing him a sack of gold and not a dollar-worth of ice cream. He shakes his head frantically. 

“Oh no, I can’t!” 

“Take it, it’s just a popsicle.” 

The fan eventually acquiesces, saying how it’s such an honor to receive something from one of the people he looks up to the most. 

The words make Hyunjin freeze in his tracks, feeling as if the entire world is closing down on him. It’s certainly been a while since he heard words of that sort, and hearing it now, when Hyunjin has almost nothing to put on the table, makes him rather unworthy. _Unworthy, ashamed_ , and _guilty_ \- among others. 

A bunch of teenagers suddenly come rushing past them, and Hyunjin stumbles backwards to avoid collision, stopping only when his back is pressed against the cold hard wall of an abandoned store. He knows he should probably take his leave already, but for some reason, he’s finding excuses to stay. 

“Do you really mean that?” He asks, tracing the cracks on the sidewalk with his eyes. 

“Sorry?” 

“Do you really look up to me?” 

They’re quiet for a moment, and the silence gives Hyunjin the impression that Jeongin is probably reconsidering his statement. Then he hears a loud smacking sound which finally makes him turn towards the fan, appalled. 

“Of course, I do, Hyunjin-ssi! I’m _The Sign’_ s fan through and through!” The popsicle is already half-eaten, melting into his hand. Hyunjin looks away from him again, partly from disgust, partly from amusement. 

“Do you want to know my favorite song of yours, Hyunjin-ssi?” 

"Sure, why not." 

They fall into silence once again, and Hyunjin turns to him curiously, seeing the other in deep thought. 

Hyunjin scoffs. “Hey, favorite songs require no contemplation!”

Jeongin grins cheekily. “But I have a lot! It’s hard to choose just one.” 

“You’re just flattering me.” 

“No, really.” 

After a moment, Jeongin says, “I like the ‘ _go on and on’_ song.” 

“What?” 

“You know…” Then the man proceeds to sing a part of the chorus. If Hyunjin isn’t so mesmerized by his voice, he would have been found laughing. 

“You don’t even know what the song is called?” Hyunjin asks, teasing. "Are you really our fan?” 

“Of course, I am! I’m just really bad with titles.” Jeongin proceeds to consume the rest of his ice cream, and just when Hyunjin feels that it’s about time for him to head home, the fan says something that renders him speechless. 

“I also like ‘ _Too Soon_ ’.” 

Hard blow. No one has ever mentioned that song in his face before, not even his bandmates, and having it spoken right now when he’s least expecting it, is sending him in a spiral. 

“That’s not our song.” Hyunjin says in a low voice, trying his best to stay grounded. 

“Oh, it’s not? But aren’t you the one singing in it?” 

“Yes, but it’s sort of- it’s a rendition.” 

“Oh! I know what a rendition is. It’s like a cover isn’t it?” 

“Yeah.” 

Jeongin nods thoughtfully, a small smile gracing his lips. Bless his pure clueless soul. His naivety is the only thing which keeps Hyunjin from completely unhinging, “It’s ‘ _After Midnight_ ’.” 

“Sorry?” 

“The ‘ _go on and on_ ’ song.”

Jeongin perks up. “Oh, yeah! I remember now.” Then he sings the part where the title is included in the line, and Hyunjin couldn’t help singing along.

。。

_The Garage, 2016_

Everyone’s gathered in Changbin’s garage tonight. No one has spoken a word for a while now, making the tension freely flit through the silence.

Minho's sprawled on the loveseat, his unplugged guitar over himself, mindlessly plucking through random notes. Hyunjin can't tell what he's thinking. The lead guitarist rarely shows his nerves (try: not at all), and this trait of his irks Hyunjin considerably because there's no way someone can be as chill as that. 

More of a consolation for himself, Hyunjin settles with the idea that the older is only too good in keeping his emotions. 

"Will you stop pacing around?" Changbin snaps at him from where he's laying on the floor, his head on Seungmin's lap. 

Hyunjin stops in his tracks to glare at him. "Will you stop banging your sticks on the goddamn carpet?" Changbin never goes anywhere without his drumsticks. He thinks he looks cool with it or something.

"It's three minutes to midnight." Seungmin suddenly announces, and both Hyunjin and Changbin let out a groan. 

"You're not counting down again, are you?" Hyunjin asks him, to which the other responds with a smirk. 

"I will never _not_ have a countdown every time we drop music. It’s fun.” Along with Minho, Seungmin’s the other one who never seems to get nervous at all. He’s really right here thinking that _this_ is fun. This. The waiting. The suspense. The following letdown after having such expectations. 

Hyunjin pauses in the middle of the room, taking every single one of them in. Minho’s now playing a dulled version of a fresh new melody, still pretending like he’s not bothered by anyone or anything at all. He came into the band last, only three days after Seungmin joined in. When Changbin first brought him in _The garage_ , Hyunjin fell into a pit of intimidation. It wasn’t his clothes - Hyunjin couldn’t even remember what Minho was wearing on that day except perhaps for the navy bomber jacket (he wears his bomber jacket a lot) - nor his face. If Hyunjin didn’t know any better, he would have assumed that Minho’s the type to listen to baroque music with that pretty face of his. 

It must have been the way Minho only nodded at him after having been introduced, then proceeded to take out his electric guitar from its case and plugged it into the amps. 

(“Oh, cool.” Hyunjin had mused then, on the first day of meeting Minho, looking after the man who disregarded his presence entirely. 

“He’s cool, isn’t he?” Changbin speaks up beside him, bouncing a little on his feet. His smile falters and he flakes out a ' _What?'_ when Hyunjin glares at him.)

The whole band is Changbin’s idea. What was supposed to be just a self-indulgent hobby, he turns it into something more serious. Changbin had just received his new drum set when he dropped the question: 

"Hey, what do you say 'bout forming a band with me?" 

That was it. The beginning. _The genesis_. 

_The garage_ still wasn’t fully furnished then; there had been the subtle whiff of grease and metal for when Changbin’s father used the place for automobile gear storage. 

Hyunjin was polishing a guitar riff and Changbin’s question hung in the air. It took a good few seconds for him to realize that the older had stopped banging on his instrument, and when he had looked over at his direction, Changbin was already staring at him expectantly.

“You’re kidding.” 

After a beat of silence, Changbin burst into what sounded like strangled laughter. “Yeah, just messing with you.” 

If he didn't have a stubborn friend like Changbin, he wouldn't be able to imagine the place he'd be in his life right now. Whenever Hyunjin finds himself in a crossroad, Changbin’s the one who shows him the way. Albeit, his direction isn’t always right, but they both find a way through it together. 

“Thirty seconds, gentlemen!” Seungmin’s voice breaks him out of his reverie, Changbin sitting up and huddling close to take a peek at the younger’s phone. Minho glances at them for a second, then goes back to his guitar. Hyunjin remains on his spot, staring at Seungmin’s carefree smile and bright luring energy. 

Seungmin was the unanticipated member of the band, to say the least, even though Hyunjin was the one who brought him in. _Unanticipated_ because no one - Hyunjin at least - had expected for him to take the most important role in the band. Not only is he the frontman and the one responsible for bringing in half of their fans, but he’s also the glue of the group. The one who shuts down a fight before it could get even worse, or brighten a gloomy mood when another agency rejects their demo. 

In fact, he’s doing it right now. While Hyunjin and Changbin fidget anxiously (Minho included, although he’s not showing it), Seungmin encourages them that there’s nothing to be worried about. 

Hyunjin can't imagine how the band would have ended up if they didn't have him, or how the band might go on if Seungmin ever leaves, because it can’t. _They can’t_. 

“Three..two..one! And it’s out!” 

“Oh my god.” 

“I think I’m gonna throw up.” 

Seungmin repositions himself so that he’s now sitting with bended knees. “Would you all like to listen to it?” 

“No thanks.” 

“That would just make me more nervous.” 

And to everyone’s surprise, Minho says, “No.” 

“Okay then, should I refresh the page and see how many initial listeners we have?” 

“I bet there’s seven.” Changbin counts off his fingers, “Chan hyung, my mom, Minho’s girlfriend, and our four fans.” 

“Bold of you to assume we have four fans.” 

Changbin frowns deeply at Hyunjin’s retort. He turns to Seungmin, “Can we just do something else and forget that we even dropped our third single that we all spent half of our savings for?” 

“Not to mention the time we spent perfecting it…” 

“‘ _Wasted Nights_ ’.” All four of them say in unison, the title of their third single, the one that just got released mere seconds ago. They grin at each other, and suddenly, everything seems okay. 

“So,” Seungmin breaks the silence, “We all agree to check the stats tomorrow?” 

Right after they all murmur assent, Seungmin turns to Minho, “Hyung, can you plug your guitar and play that rhythm you’ve been working on?” 

Minho seems to be taken aback by the sudden request, but he gets off his seat and does as he’s told. Seungmin makes his way towards the keyboard. Hyunjin and Changbin glance at each other, confused. 

When Minho finishes his progression, it’s only then Hyunjin does realize how sick it actually sounds. Seungmin encourages him to play it on loop as he stares into space, his fingers hovering above the keys. And as if the opening has presented itself to him, Seungmin jumps into the music, creating a melodic trance that has gotten Hyunjin and Changbin dumbstruck. 

“Kim Seungmin, you fucking genius!” Changbin yells as he runs towards his drumkit, and soon, the three of them are trying to find their way into the song. It still sounded incredibly clumsy, as to how a toddler would when she has only begun to learn to walk, but the melody Seungmin has come up with is already captivating. 

He doesn’t realize that his feet have brought him next to the keyboard - next to Seungmin - until he’s there. Hyunjin hums along, trying to come up with suitable lyrics on the spot, but majority of what is coming out of his mouth are a series of ‘La la la’ or ‘Na na na’. And when he does find more articulate words, Seungmin would look up at him with a smile and that’s when he knows he’s doing it right. 

  
  
  


Their third single turned out to be a hit. With its success, they gained an enormous amount of new fans and received requests to grander gigs. Soon, an important call came through, which led them to make the most important decision they ever decided on as a band. But all of that was for later. 

When the band checked the stats the next morning, Hyunjin and Changbin burst into tears. Seungmin jumped in joy. Minho let out the biggest smile the world has ever seen on him. All because they just acquired the most listeners they ever had overnight - _91 plays_. 

。。

The sun is starting to set in the horizon, and this tells Hyunjin that it's been a little over an hour since he went into the store. He’s still leaning against the brick wall, finding no intention of hurrying back home anymore. There’s something about Jeongin which comforts him, which compels him to stay. Perhaps it’s the way the fan only mentions the good stuff, making Hyunjin believe that nothing drastic has transpired after those times, if only for a few minutes. He should have known that the thing he has been avoiding is bound to come soon. 

"I have a question." Jeongin says, breaking the short silence. 

"Shoot." 

"Have you disbanded?" 

It’s either that question or the other, and even when Hyunjin has been expecting it, his stomach still drops in reaction. Trying his best to get hold of his emotions, he shakes his head, a tight-lipped smile on his face. 

"We're just on a break." 

Jeongin lets out a sigh of relief, and Hyunjin feels another surge of affection course through him. 

"Thank God." He mutters to himself, and more loudly, he asks, "You're coming back, right?" 

A pause. Then: "All together?" 

Hyunjin's little grin drops from his face as the words string together in his mind. 

_All together._

"I mean-" Jeongin backtracks, probably sensing the other's changed mood. Hyunjin cuts in before he can say something else.

"Maybe not all together." After a beat of hesitation, Hyunjin corrects his statement, "Not altogether." 

Jeongin doesn't ask why not, to Hyunjin's relief, although the latter thinks that the fan already has a hunch. 

"Can I ask you something?" 

"You've been going on for a while now, pal." 

"Right."

He feels the fan fidget beside him, hesitating. His hesitation makes Hyunjin shift his weight from one foot to another, never the one to like it to be left in suspense. 

"Why did he leave?" 

"Who?" 

Jeongin stammers a few incoherent words, his gaze landing on everything but the bassist. "N-nevermind." 

Awkward silence ensues, and Hyunjin racks his brain desperately to find anything that could lighten the mood. 

“Do you have a pen with you?”

Jeongin's expression turns from apprehensive to confused. He asks, “Why?” 

“Oh, sorry. I presumed you wanted my autograph.” 

The grin creeps back on Jeongin’s face, the light instantly returning in his eyes and Hyunjin’s so relieved that he couldn’t help mirroring the smile back at him. 

Hyunjin steps into the dead silence of his apartment, feeling as if he's sinking deeper with every step. 

It's not always like this, but somehow, _suddenly_ , the darkness is pitch black, the silence is deafening and the weight in his heart is at its heaviest.

Hyunjin heads straight to the kitchenette and places his bag of snacks on the counter. He’s too tired to make himself dinner, so he grabs the pack of oreos from the bag then walks back to the living room to sprawl himself on the couch. 

Despite having his gaze fixed on the ceiling, Hyunjin couldn’t help noticing the piano wedged on the corner of the room from his peripheral vision. Beside it is his bass guitar and acoustic. It seems that the conversation with Jeongin has triggered all the unsettled feelings - the nostalgia, the slap of reality he has been trying so hard to avoid. 

Suddenly, he’s completely aware that he’s the bassist of the rock band, ‘ _The Sign’._ His physical copies of their records are stacked somewhere in his bedroom and it takes all of his strength not to retrieve them and indulge himself on a trip down memory lane. 

He can’t do that to himself right now. 

Hyunjin distracts himself by shoving an oreo into his mouth. He realizes he has to sit up straight in order to swallow it, so he repositions himself, this time not being able to resist to look at the instruments on the corner. 

How long has it been since he touched them? A sinking feeling drops in his chest as he realizes that he hasn’t even paid them any attention - much less touch them - for _months_ . The longer he looks at the stringed instruments - the way they’re leaning against the wall and almost sliding into each other - the more Hyunjin gets reminded of their setup in _The garage_. 

_The garage_ is Hyunjin's best and closest definition of 'heaven on earth'. One summer, he and Changbin spent almost an entire week cleaning, moving, and refurbishing it into the ideal rehearsal cave. 

They dug into recycling bins to collect empty egg cartons, then stuck them all over the wall, hoping to soundproof the room. (Soon after, they realized that the method isn't a hundred percent effective after a few complaints from the neighbors, but neither of them really felt like taking down their hard work, so they just let it be.) 

Over time, they stuck posters and random stuff against the carton wall. For Hyunjin, posters of a few of his favorite rock bands, a poster of his favorite series, _Breaking Bad_ , and his class schedule. When there's some school-related assignment he has to work on, he pins it up there too, as a reminder. 

Changbin puts up his doodles, a poster of Ariana Grande, a random gum wrapper, and cool on-stage photos of drummers he grabbed from the internet. 

When it was still just Hyunjin and Changbin, _The garage_ only had an old acoustic guitar which was cracked between its neck and heel, Changbin’s cello which he hasn’t touched since middle school, Changbin’s side drum (he was on the marching band in high school), Hyunjin’s bass and amp, and Changbin’s most cherished drum kit. 

With the addition of their lead and rhythm guitarists, there were three new guitars on display (and all were actually functional, thank god), and a _88-key_ keyboard. The carton wall got messier than ever. 

Seungmin tends to be very forgetful so he writes down a lot of his ideas on any kind of parchment he lays his hands on. Even with the advancement of technology, he still preferred to write on paper. The stack of notebooks and sheets on the center table are all brought by him, as are the hundreds of notes pinned on the wall. Changbin would always throw a fit when one of his posters got obscured (“Not Ariana!”). 

Hyunjin, on the other hand, found amusement in the way Seungmin scuffles through the notes, trying to look for a certain idea that is now lost in the sea of them all. Hyunjin would often abandon whatever he's doing just to stare at him in that state - frustrated, focused, and maybe even a little stressed. 

The man was just too optimistic sometimes, that it leaves an impression that he's just too good to be true. Weird as it may be, this habit has gotten him to like the way Seungmin puckers his lips whenever he's noting down lyrics or chord progressions. Or the way his brows knit together while his hand scratches frustratingly on paper. Or the way he shoots Changbin a deathly glare whenever he calls him out to move his notes away from Ariana. Seungmin never really liked it when people told him what to do. That was, perhaps, the only fault in his personality. (Was it even a fault?) 

The doorbell rings, interrupting his reverie. He hears the front door open immediately and he stifles a groan upon realizing who it is. There’s only one person in this world who still bothers himself with the doorbell despite already knowing the key code to Hyunjin’s apartment. (“It’s called manners, Jinnie.” “It’s clearly _not_ when you help yourself through the front door anyway.”) 

“How have you been?” Changbin asks in an annoying faux friendly tone as he makes his way to the living room. 

“You were here yesterday.” 

“How have you been since I saw you yesterday?” Changbin makes himself comfortable on the other end of the couch. Hyunjin doesn’t even have to wait for him to speak to know what he came here for. 

“Hyung, get off my back.” 

“I haven’t even said anything yet.” 

Hyunjin takes a short pause, hesitating, “You know, this is a lot like the band thing all over again.” 

Changbin turns towards him in surprise. 

Ever since… _a long time ago_ , Hyunjin had never brought the band up, so he understands if Changbin’s taken aback by the sudden topic. “What do you mean?” 

“Persuading me to start a band with you?” Hyunjin supplies, seeing a tender smile appear on the older’s face just before he looks away from him again. 

"You were extremely difficult to convince, did you know that?" Changbin asks, teasing. 

"You didn't convince me!" 

"Yeah? Who did?" 

Hyunjin's smile falters, "No one did." 

In an attempt to change the subject, Hyunjin recalls his interaction with Jeongin. 

"Wow. _That_ guy? The one we call Minho’s guitar hero?" 

Hyunjin chuckles at the memory. “Oh, yeah. I forgot about that.” 

“You’re the one who bumped into a celebrity, not him!” 

“That’s what I said.” 

Silence drifts through the air once again, gradually replacing the friendly atmosphere into something more pinched. 

“So-” Changbin begins in a louder tone, “Have you thought about it?” 

Hyunjin sighs and shakes his head, the words of his excuse hanging at the tip of his tongue. Before he can say them out loud, Changbin drops an envelope on his lap. 

The outer envelope is tinted rose gold. When he pulls out the contents, the cards are wrapped around with vellum paper and are enclosed with scarlet-colored wax seal. Hyunjin notices the floral patterns through the paper and immediately realizes what it is. 

“He sent out invitations?” Hyunjin asks as he tears the seal carefully. 

“Of course, dumbass. It’s his wedding.” 

After getting all the decorative paper out of the way, he takes the card out with a slightly shaking hand. 

He scans through it for a second, then says, “But I didn’t get one.” 

Changbin is quiet for a moment, and Hyunjin knows they’re both thinking of the same thing. 

“I’m sure yours is on its way.” Changbin supplies, hopefully. 

“Or maybe,” Hyunjin begins, “He just doesn’t want me in his wedding.” 

“You’re his _bandmate_ , Hyunjin. Of course he wants you in his wedding.” 

Hyunjin says nothing, his eyes fixed on the card but not really seeing anything. 

Changbin must have noticed this change of mood, because he sighs, closes the distance between them, then says, “Come on. You still can’t be thinking of that fight years ago?” 

Hyunjin shrugs. “I’m not, but he might be. We never really resolved it, you know.” 

Changbin sighs again, only this time he doesn’t try to hide his frustration. “Okay, how about this - whether you’re getting your own invite or not, just come with me. I’m allowed a plus one anyway.” 

“But hyung-” 

“If you haven’t resolved that fight years ago, then when’s the best day to do it?”

“Really? At his wedding?” 

Changbin shakes his head dismissively. “You get my point.” 

“I really don’t.” 

Changbin fixes him with a stern look. The older rarely does this to him. Sometimes, Hyunjin even forgets that Changbin’s older than him - that’s how comfortable they are with each other - so when Changbin pulls the ‘I’m-older-than-you-so-do-as-I-say card’, Hyunjin knows there's basically nothing else he could do but give in. 

“You’re coming with me, and that’s final.” 

。。

They started off as a cover band during their humble months. Despite their strikingly different personalities, their taste in music are quite similar. Hyunjin realizes this when they find it a breeze to choose and decide on which songs to cover. (No argument ensues whatsoever). 

Songwriting doesn't come until the band reaches its 11th month - courtesy of Kim Seungmin. The man has a natural talent. Whenever he gets praised by his bandmates, he brushes it off and gives the credit to his parents, whom he has learned a lot from growing up. They’re both musicians - his father had been a drummer in a local band, and his mother had taught piano for over ten years. 

Seungmin didn’t get the chance to go to college. He was only supposed to take a gap year, until the year turned into _years_ , until he got hired to work at a record store and the thought of college is completely out of the picture. For his long-term goal, he has been planning to save up and run his own business, preferably something related to music. And while he has that up in his mind, the last three years has been the perfect moment for him to study and practice songwriting. 

Minho could write songs too if he wanted, and that’s the thing. Most of the time, he doesn’t want to, only filling in for the guitar solos. Changbin has struggled with it the most at the beginning but time has been the best teacher for him. (The moment they reached their 3rd year anniversary, he's voted as the best lyricist by all of his bandmates). 

So Changbin learned with time. Minho learned from motivation. Seungmin learned from his parents, and Hyunjin learned from Seungmin. 

_Literally-_

_The Garage, 2015_

Classes let up early that day, and Hyunjin has made it a habit to head straight to practice whenever he has the time. He can hear the crescendo of notes as he turns the knob to the door, but as soon as he swings it open, the music gets cut off and Seungmin jumps on his seat a little, looking over at him in surprise.

Hyunjin sends him an apologetic smile. "Sorry. Should have knocked. Or something.” 

Seungmin laughs, face flushed. “It’s all right.” 

Hyunjin places his backpack by the door, eyes studying Seungmin closely. Sheets are strewn around him - on the keyboard holder, by his feet, on the center table. There's even one right on top of the keys and Hyunjin can just discern the scribbles and scratches of his handwriting. 

"Wait - are you writing something?" 

Seungmin immediately gathers the sheets together, bringing them into a pile on the holder. 

"It's nothing." He replies casually. 

"Can I hear it?" 

Seungmin stares at him for a short moment. "You're not taking no for an answer, are you?" 

Hyunjin grins. "And I can't let you keep writing songs on your own without having a beta listener." He heads towards the drum kit, aiming for Changbin's stool. 

"It's not that I don't want you to hear it, it's just not ready yet." 

By this time, Hyunjin has already placed the stool beside him. 

"Okay, then. Let's hear it." 

Seungmin shakes his head in disbelief, but the smile on his face tells Hyunjin that he's all up for it. 

"Okay, but don't be too hard on me." 

Hyunjin opens his mouth to say that he wouldn't but Seungmin has already started without warning. 

He starts off with basic chords - Hyunjin thinks it's in the key of _A major_ \- before bringing in the accompaniment smoothly with his left hand. 

One would think that Hyunjin has never heard him sing before with the way he looks at the other in complete awe. Hyunjin can’t even focus on the lyrics. All he can think about is how the song rises and swells with Seungmin’s emotions, Seungmin’s enthralling voice, and Seungmin. _Seungmin. Seungmin. Seungmin._

He only (partially) snaps out of it when he meets his eyes, the impact taking his breath away like an arrow shot straight through his chest. 

Hyunjin almost doesn't catch the next couple of lines when Seungmin suddenly smiles at him, singing, 

_"When I'm losing my control the city spins around. You're the only one who knows- you slow it down."_

  
  


_Figuratively-_

Hyunjin has taken Seungmin to be the muse in his songwriting process. He was the reason that he started in the first place, and also the reason in which he stopped. 

。。

Hyunjin did receive an invitation, and he had spent just as much time staring at the card as when he did with Changbin’s, looking for a name that he must have missed the first time. 

He still doesn’t find it, of course, because there’s no way his invitation would be different than the rest. 

"Jinnie, what's taking you so long? We're gonna be late!" Changbin does it again; he raps at the door and barges in Hyunjin's room without waiting for permission.

Hyunjin is standing before the mirror right beside the door, too occupied on straightening out every crease in his suit and every strand of his blond hair to respond to the older. 

"Jesus Christ!" Changbin cries out at the sight of him. 

"No, sorry. It's just me." 

"How long have you been dressed for?" 

"I don't know." 

"Were you in front of the mirror this whole time?" 

Hyunjin doesn't respond, his eyes glazing over his reflection. He can’t decide between letting his hair down or putting it up in a half ponytail. 

He hears Changbin sigh, "It's not _your_ wedding, Jinnie." 

"I just haven't dressed up in a long time, okay?" 

"I don't want to break it to you but you might just be grooming up for nothing." 

Hyunjin finally turns to him, eyebrows furrowed at the implied tone in his voice. "The fuck are you saying." 

"I know why you're doing this." 

"And I don't know what you're talking about." 

"Just don't get your hopes up." And with that, Changbin walks out of the room.

Hyunjin finally lets his arms fall to his sides, feeling as if he just lost a battle he didn't even know he had encountered until it's over.

He hates how Changbin reads him like an open book. 

"I just haven't dressed up in a long time." He whispers at his reflection, but the words don't sound convincing even to himself. 

。。

Everything happened too fast. 

Their third single, _'Wasted nights'_ turned out to be the first spark of their blazing success. 

For once, they managed to escape the dingy café slash bar in which they frequented, having been invited to more prominent gigs with actual audiences who actually listen to the music. 

Hyunjin still couldn’t forget the rush of exhilaration when he heard his name being called out from the swarm of people for the first time. It was like a gush of fresh air, hitting him with a bang of realization: this is what Hyunjin wants to do. He wants to be on stage, expressing himself with self-written pieces, alongside the best people he could never imagine performing without. 

They landed a record deal in the middle of the preparations for their first album. Changbin’s father had gotten them a lawyer to help them through the process of contract signing, and none of them seemed to grasp half of what the deal is about except for Seungmin, ever the brain of the group. 

It was at that point after the deal had been made between the band and the record company that things had started to pick up. 

With a record deal comes better management, better promotions, and better resources which helped a lot in their music writing process. 

When these changes had gotten too overwhelming, Hyunjin would simply turn his head to keep him grounded.

_The Killing Smokes Tour, 2017_

At the backstage of their first official concert, when the tension of the screaming crowd and the sight of all the staff running around to make final adjustments had gotten to him, Hyunjin had turned to his side where he spotted Changbin spinning his drumsticks nervously, staring into space. Beside him, Minho sat on an amplifier as he meddled with the knobs in his guitar. Seungmin was to his right, standing too close beside him, humming softly. 

When he had looked at his bandmates, everything else in their life then seemed too good to be true.

When things would get too scary and intimidating, Hyunjin would take one look at them and his heart would immediately be at ease because he knows that he won't have to do all of this alone. 

"Don't be nervous, Minnie." He had said to the other, giving him a little nudge just because he wanted to.

And then there’s Seungmin, who brings more than just a smile to his face. With him, there’s always this extra little _something_ stirring in his chest. A brush of a hand, a glimpse from the other side of the room, a 2am phone call to rant about writer’s block. With Seungmin, Hyunjin just feels a little bit more settled. 

Seungmin had given him a look before laughing. "I'm not nervous." 

He did not, in fact, look nervous. But Hyunjin didn’t buy it. It's their first concert. There's no way the chanting of the fans outside did not make his heart beat like crazy. 

Before he changed his mind, Hyunjin handed him his guitar pick.

"I already have a pick." Seungmin said, holding up his own as he did so. 

"I know. This is a lucky charm." Hyunjin thrusted the object to his hands, saying, "For you." 

Seungmin had looked surprised for a moment. Then he smiled, tucking the pick safely into his front pocket. "Thanks. You look like you need it more than I do, though." 

"Nah, I'm good." 

Seungmin beamed at him once more, proving Hyunjin's point. 

  
  
  


Their first tour was the turning point. A little after this significant milestone in their career, the band was sent off to different directions. Hyunjin had it worse of all - the fame and attention had gotten to his head. 

The symptoms were explicitly shown when the record company had started imposing a role in their music.

Backing tracks were added to their live performances, claiming it’s a necessity for when they ‘mess up’ - when, actually, there was no opportunity to mess up _at all_ because the backtracks are the full instrumentals, leaving the band no choice but to lip sync and fake play. 

During the preparation for their second album, the final tracklist was overridden by the management. They cut down the list to half and replaced them with songs they bought from other companies. The remaining songs that the band had written were tweaked to fit the concept that the company was striving for. That was how their label had started to strip off their creative control for their music - slowly and then all at once. 

The only one who was blind to all this was Hyunjin. 

The only one who cared enough to speak out was Seungmin.   
  


_The company, 2018_

Hyunjin waits until everyone else - the producers and staff - have left the room before getting on his feet. 

He and Minho have almost made it out of the door when he notices Seungmin and Changbin still on their seats, huddled close together and talking in hushed voices. 

“Hey.” Hyunjin calls, voice gentle. Seungmin has a troubled, almost irritated look on, his brows furrowing. “Don’t be too upset.” Hyunjin continues, “Your tracks will make it next time. Maybe on the next record?"

Most of Seungmin’s self-written tracks were pulled out from the album. It’s what they all came here to discuss - to finalize the tracklist. Rather, it’s what the producers wanted to inform them; they did not even let the band have a say in the matter.

Hyunjin does not mean any harm, but he couldn’t exactly read into things when all he had cared about was pleasing the producers, and submitting to their requests. 

Seungmin shoots him a glare. 

"What?" Hyunjin asks, confused. He looks around the room and notices Changbin fidgeting on his seat. Minho has now leaned against the wall, looking as though he didn’t want to be a part of the conversation but cares enough to stick around. 

"This is not about my songs not making it into the track list." Seungmin says through gritted teeth as he stands from his seat, "Don't you see? Half of what made the cut aren’t even our songs! Do you want to be credited for something you didn’t even _work on_?”

Hyunjin chuckles dryly. “Don’t _you_?” 

Seungmin seems to blanch at this but he recovers himself quickly, saying, “What about our _own_ songs? Do you even recognize any of them? Because they sound nothing like it now!" 

Hyunjin is starting to lose patience. He doesn’t get the main point which had gotten Seungmin so worked up. "What does it matter?"

" _What does it matter_?" Seungmin repeats in disbelief. 

"As long as we please the public then who cares what songs we release?"

" _I do! I_ care about what fucking songs we release because it's supposed to be _our_ music!” 

Hyunjin stops short when the first drop of tears fall on Seungmin’s cheeks. He looks like he wants to say more but all that leaves his mouth are ragged breathings and whimpers. 

Hyunjin takes a step closer. “Seungmin-” 

Changbin stands between them in one swift move, holding a hand up to prevent Hyunjin from getting any closer. “Not now, Hyunjin.” 

They leave the room without another word, Minho following after them without sparing Hyunjin another glance. 

The following days are a blur of tense silences and forced conversations. Of missed gazes and cold shoulders. 

Then the _days_ turn into _weeks,_ and there’s this stab in his chest whenever he sees Seungmin leave the room just as he walks in, whenever Seungmin shuts up whenever Hyunjin joins in on the conversation, whenever Seungmin looks away just as Hyunjin catches his gaze. 

It isn't until their 3rd anniversary celebration - roughly a month after the row with Seungmin - did the two have a proper conversation alone. 

The company prepped up the biggest conference room they had for the celebration - streamers, balloons and fairy lights adorned the walls, and the long table remains on its spot in the center of the room where it holds up their sumptuous dinner and the little stack of alcoholic beverages. 

Everyone in their staff team is there, including the producers, so it's a bit of a challenge for Hyunjin to try to get to talk to Seungmin alone. When he isn't being congratulated by a staff member, Seungmin's the one who's occupied, talking to their manager or a higher-up personnel in a hushed conversation. 

Hyunjin doesn't get his opening until he notices Seungmin leaving the room. He immediately excuses himself from a conversation with one of their sound engineers before following the frontman out the door. 

"Minnie?" Hyunjin tries to reach out and stop him but his fingers miss the other by a thread, but Seungmin _does_ pause, looking over his shoulder with an expression Hyunjin couldn't quite read, "Can I talk to you for a sec?" 

Seungmin hesitates but then he says, "I need to go to the bathroom." 

Hyunjin watches him disappear at the end of the hall before leaning against the wall, the weight of his present worries crashing down on him. 

Hyunjin can wait. He _will_ wait because if he goes another day without fixing this - _without talking to him again_ \- he might just go crazy. 

A few minutes later, light footsteps echo in the deserted hall and Hyunjin straightens up to see the figure walking away from him. 

“Minnie.” He calls out urgently, taking off towards him. 

The noise from the conference room is audible from their location but it's a distant sound compared to Hyunjin's voice which echoes in the hall, but Seungmin keeps walking as if he didn't hear.

He catches up in no time, grabbing him gently by the arm. He calls his name again as he turns him around. 

He's struck with another shot of pain when Seungmin doesn’t look up to meet his eyes. 

“Minnie, look at me. _Please_.” 

Hyunjin spent the past few weeks reflecting on his own actions, on the words that left his mouth, that he doesn't realize how much he has hurt Seungmin until now. His eyes are glazed over with the kind of sadness that Hyunjin hasn't seen in him before. 

“I’m sorry about what I said-” 

Seungmin shakes his head, dropping his eyes to the floor again. 

“Hyunjin.” Seungmin cuts him off, voice dry. “You don’t have to apologize.” 

“No, I do. I do, Minnie. I know that music’s the most important thing to you and the fact that I said all those things about our songs makes me the biggest asshole in the world. So, I’m-” He pauses when Seungmin takes in a shaky breath, his chest rising and falling unsteadily. “I’m really sorry, Minnie.” 

When he speaks again, the words mix up with a teary choke that Hyunjin barely catches the words. “You’re making this so hard for me.” 

Empty words. 

That's what he thought of it then. Just empty emotional words. 

“I’m sorry.” Hyunjin steps closer, embracing the other in a full hug. Seungmin responds immediately, wrapping his arms around him in such a way that Hyunjin's breath hitches in surprise, leaving him to be suddenly so aware of his racing heart. 

“I missed you.” He whispers into his shoulder, the words muffled, and he doesn't know if Seungmin hears it; maybe he did, maybe he didn't because he pulls away from the hug only to close the distance between them again, pressing their foreheads together. 

There's a strand of hair falling over Seungmin's eye, and without thinking it through, Hyunjin pushes it back. Seungmin lets him. 

"Hyunjin." 

The way Seungmin says his name sends chills down his spine. 

He's not even looking at him - _again_ \- eyes fixed somewhere near the corner of Hyunjin's lips. He keeps parting his lips as if to speak, but no words come out of his mouth. 

Hyunjin is distracted, thinking about nothing but the urgent thought that had made its way into his mind: he wants to kiss Seungmin. 

_He wants to kiss Seungmin._

How long has he wanted to do this? Did it really just occur to him now for the first time - in this proximity, in the rush of relief and warmth of finally having him talk to him again, or did he want this all along in the midst of late-night songwriting, in the nights where they get nothing done because they end up distracted, slow dancing to _The Cure_?

" _Jinnie_." There's desperation in Seungmin's voice now, but Hyunjin is distracted, thinking about nothing but leaning in.

If he just _leans in…_

Hyunjin leans in, taking Seungmin's lips in his own. It doesn't even take a second before Seungmin is pushing him away, eyes wide in shock. 

"Shit." Guilt and shame gnaw at his insides upon the realization of what he had done. "Sorry." 

Seungmin takes a step back, one hand still on Hyunjin's chest to keep him away. His eyes are still alight with shock and they're _so_ beautiful under the dim light. 

"Minnie. Sorry, I didn't mean-" 

And he sees how Seungmin relaxes, how the surprise in his expression ebbs away, replaced by a softness which sends Hyunjin’s mind reeling. 

He tightens his grip on Hyunjin's shirt, pulling him closer, taking back the distance he had created by stepping away, and Seungmin kisses him.

  
  


Hyunjin is usually late for rehearsals, but he shows up right on time that very next day. He ignores Minho's suspicious look as he walks to his spot on the stage with a spring in his step. 

"Someone's in a good mood." 

He can't even be bothered to retort at Changbin's taunting because it's true. He _is_ in a good mood. 

His head is still stuck on last night. 

Hyunjin is _still_ distracted, especially when he has just come to realize that the extra little things he feels whenever Seungmin's around is brought by his attraction towards him, and that goes beyond the physical sense.

Hyunjin _likes_ Seungmin, probably more than he has ever liked anyone in his life. 

A staff member enters the room, and she heads straight to their manager, relaying something in an undertone before leaving as quickly as she had arrived.

"We should start." Their manager announces and this is when Hyunjin finally pays attention.

"But Seungmin isn't here yet." 

He and Seungmin haven't talked yet - about last night - and he's hoping they'd get the chance today.

But no one seems to have heard him, or rather, everyone seems to be ignoring him. Minho is busying himself with his guitar, which is not an unusual occurrence, but he doesn’t usually bend his head that low. Meanwhile, Changbin is obviously avoiding his gaze. 

“What’s going on?” Hyunjin turns to their manager, who only shakes his head at him, urging him to pick up his instrument.   
  


Hyunjin remembers last night (he doesn’t think he’ll ever forget last night) - how Seungmin had tightened his hold on Hyunjin’s hand right after saying goodbye. How Hyunjin’s heart had bloomed at the thought of him wanting to stay for a few more minutes. 

“I’m sorry.” Seungmin says, his voice barely above a whisper. 

He had thought of them as empty words then, and Hyunjin doesn’t realize the meaning behind it until a couple of months later, when Seungmin still hasn’t shown up since the night of their third anniversary. 

。。

They pull up in front of a familiar historic building which Hyunjin has only ever gotten to admire through the windows of cars. He used to gape at it as a kid, awestruck at the intricate columns and little details of the exterior structure. He used to wonder what it looked like inside, and he still does as a full-grown adult. 

The only thing though: 

"This is a _library_." 

Changbin throws a frown at his direction as he brings the vehicle to a halt. "Did you even read the invitation?" 

"What?" 

Changbin steps out of the car without another word, and Hyunjin watches as he hands his key to the valet runner before continuing towards the arched main entrance. Hyunjin finally snaps out of his confusion and follows after his friend, catching up before he can enter through the archway. 

There are people milling about in the area, all coordinately dressed in light pink formals. 

Hyunjin recognizes a few people as soon as they step into the foyer; some of the groom's friends and close relatives are giving them a nod or a smile, and Hyunjin tries to match Changbin's enthusiastic response. The rest of the guests look on in curiosity, making Hyunjin feel tingly at the sudden attention. 

"We still have it, Jinnie." Changbin whispers with a proud grin on his face. 

Hyunjin laughs, "The groom is our _bandmate,_ of course people will recognize us." 

Changbin opens his mouth to retort but as soon as they step into the main hall, their attention is entirely captured by the view before them. 

" _Damn_." 

It’s like walking into a different era. _In Europe_. 

There are guest seats on either side of the long aisle, and there's a little altar at the center. A typical wedding setup, but what catches their attention the most is the view above - the higher floors are visible from the lobby, barricaded with fancy cast-iron railings. In these railings, hanging bulbs stretch from one side to the other and every floor is lined up with shelves, perfecting the serene romantic mood.

Hyunjin never knew until then that weddings and old-school libraries could look well together.

“How much do you think it costs to rent this place?” 

Changbin is still gawking at the floors above them. 

“A lot.” Swallowing, he adds, "He really outdid himself, huh." 

Hyunjin nods, though he knows Changbin isn't looking at him. "I can't believe he's getting married in a _library_." 

"I can't believe he's getting _married_." 

"And I can't believe you're both talking behind my back." 

Hyunjin and Changbin turn almost at the same time. 

The man, who's Hyunjin used to see wearing a bomber jacket over plain shirts, looks utterly sophisticated dressed up in a suit.

Minho smiles at their dumbstruck faces, " _On my wedding day_." 

。。

_Heels Over Head Tour, 2018_

"Hyunjin.” 

Hyunjin has fallen into a deep void these past few days. Everyone around him had to repeat what they said, and it takes a few good seconds for him to process what he’s seeing, what he's hearing, or what’s happening around him. 

“ _Hyunjin_.” He finally looks up at the stern voice, seeing their manager idling right at the doorway. He didn’t even hear him knock. 

“You're up in 5." He says before sending him one blank look and finally leaving the room, presumably to call on to the rest of his bandmates. Hyunjin sighs as he straps his bass guitar over his shoulders, his sight landing on the untouched vanity mirror across from his. 

It's exactly how it's left during rehearsals: Scribbled music scores and notes pile messily on one corner, a few packs of guitar strings lay against the mirror, a pen holder, a small container full of guitar picks, and the remaining space occupied by a few number of cosmetic products.

Just beside the vanity are three guitars: one rusty old acoustic, a brand new one, and one sky blue electric guitar. 

Hyunjin can almost imagine him there - sitting with one of the guitars on his lap (he always preferred the old _Fender_ ), calling over to him to listen to his new composition. For the fun of it, Hyunjin would always say he's not interested, but he knows that the other would still proceed to play him his song because Hyunjin would always give in anyway. And sure enough, Hyunjin would end up finding his knee brushing against his as they sit too close in front of each other, both with guitars on their laps as they try to finish the song together. 

Hyunjin snaps back to reality. 

The vanity desk is empty. The guitars are untouched. He's alone in the room. Aside from the echoes from the crowd's screams outside, there's no other sound. 

Reluctantly, he heads towards the vanity desk across from his, heart beating like crazy. 

He catches a glance of _his_ handwriting on the scores when he gets close enough, and just the sight of it sends a mixture of wave of nostalgia, pain and longing crashing on him. Between the mess of stuff on the desk, Hyunjin notices a familiar blend of white and blue, a shape as small as his thumb. 

He plucks the guitar pick off the table and brings it closer to his sight, realizing that the center between the two more rounded corners had been punched a hole through to allow a silver chain through it. 

His whole world seems to have sunk inward, and Hyunjin finds himself falling even more so than he already has. 

He had it all this time. Seungmin has had the guitar pick Hyunjin had given him all this time, and he's been using it as a necklace. 

Suddenly, he's reminded of all the times he has spotted Seungmin whispering something to himself before a big performance, head bent low as he clutches something around his neck. Hyunjin never gave much thought about it, but it was the pick all along, wasn't it? 

Before Hyunjin can even dwell too much on the thought, the door swings open. 

" _Jinnie_ ! The show's about to- _oh_." 

Changbin stands frozen by the doorway, drumsticks in hand.

Hyunjin is still clutching the guitar pick, still on the spot right before Seungmin's desk. 

"Hey, buddy. We have to go." 

Hyunjin hates the hint of pity in his voice. He hates how Changbin speaks to him so softly, as if Hyunjin would break down if he should raise his voice higher. Hyunjin tries his best to keep his expression neutral. 

"Yeah, I know. I was just looking around." 

Changbin nods. "I'll be outside." 

As soon as the door clicks behind the drummer, Hyunjin slips the pick necklace over his head, and tucks the pendant inside his shirt. 

The crowd's screams and cheers grow louder; it’s always the seconds before the start of the show where the cheers are the loudest. They don’t make Hyunjin nervous anymore (he doesn’t think there’s anything that makes him _feel_ anything right now). 

With one last look at Seungmin's area, Hyunjin follows Changbin out the door. 

  
  
  


It's only been a week. 

He just disappeared without a word, without warning, leaving all these traces of him behind. 

Hyunjin tried desperately to cling unto that little string of hope - he knows Seungmin better than anyone and he knows that he wouldn’t just disappear without so much as an explanation. He wouldn’t just _leave_ the band. He wouldn’t just leave Hyunjin, especially not after everything that has happened between them. 

As the weeks turned into months, what’s left of Hyunjin’s little hope tears away and it _hurts_ and he doesn't know what to do and _he misses him so fucking much_ and everything just seems to crash down on him and it’s just not the kind of weight he’s used to carrying. 

The noises around him get louder - he doesn’t know whose theory is worse, the media or the antis. (Though, sometimes they’re the same people.) The fans’ (the ones who stayed), only makes Hyunjin want to cry. They’re an entirely different zone he doesn’t want to cross. He knew that he wouldn't be able to handle facing them without breaking down, and Hyunjin had been trying so hard not to do just that, especially in front of people. 

But just how long does it take for a star to collapse? 

  
  
  


The band took a three-month hiatus right at the end of their second tour. Hyunjin took this time to steer clear from all the attention - the media, the fans, his nosy relatives, his family, _the company_. Most especially the company. 

His bandmates were the hardest ones to shut out. Minho doesn’t usually call for band practice but it doesn't surprise Hyunjin when he blows up his phone almost a month into their break. Changbin was _harder_ to shut out. This is where he learned to barge into Hyunjin's apartment uninvited, nagging right off the bat about the mess, about the stench of alcohol and vomit, about the cigarette ashes and filters on the kitchen counter.

This is also where Hyunjin learned to succumb into his vices. 

He also learned, amidst the swirling thoughts fuelled by brandy and nicotine, that Hyunjin's the one to blame for Seungmin's sudden and unannounced departure. 

It was that unresolved fight about their music. Hyunjin didn't get to apologize because he got caught up in the moment and ended up making a stupid move on him. It was that _kiss_ which scared him away. _Hyunjin_ scared him away.

He couldn't find the motivation to write, but Hyunjin did sing a lot, posting anonymous covers on _Soundcloud_ to which their fans had recognized his voice. (Hyunjin never confirmed their theories, but of course it's true. And it's also true that he's singing about the bandmate he has lost.) 

Aside from band practice, Hyunjin never touched a single instrument out of his own will. He barely contributed to the band discussions. Whenever he’s being asked for his pitch, he would just shrug or grumble about the company’s mistreatment towards them. His bad habits were getting out of hand, causing negatively not only to his performance, but also to _his_ career. _Their_ career. 

It was only a matter of time before his remaining bandmates got sick of his pathetic attitude. 

Seeing Hyunjin step into band practice _drunk_ for the nth time finally sets Minho off - he trudges up to him and throws one big blow, sending him down on the floor. He hits the guitars on their stands as he falls, and Changbin is luckily just nearby and on time to catch them. 

"You think you're the only one bummed around here, don't you, asshole? He was _my_ bandmate too! But do you see me moping around in my misery? _No_ , because I have a career to uphold. Because I have fans that are waiting for me to come back. Because my family _needs_ the fucking dough! But you wouldn't understand all of that because all you think about is yourself, selfish bastard." 

Hyunjin doesn’t bother picking himself up from the floor. He watches as Minho mutters his last words before walking out, leaving him and Changbin in depressing silence. 

Hyunjin feels warm tears streak down his face, his gaze fixed on a random spot in the room. He wants to scream but he seems to have lost his voice. He wants to get up and tell Minho he's sorry but he seems to have lost all his strength. 

He's empty. Hyunjin is just _empty_. 

Soon, Changbin is crouching before him, saying, "I know it’s not easy, Jinnie, but you need to start accepting that he’s-” He pauses, brushing away the hair from Hyunjin’s face, “You need to accept the situation." 

  
  
  


Hyunjin had managed to write a song shortly after that confrontation. The song made it on their 3rd album. 

_Maybe we're trying too hard / Maybe we're torn apart /_ _We're empty / It’s empty_

And it's the only song he has written for the past two years. 

。。

Hyunjin is going to break his neck at this point; he has been craning it around so much, scanning every face, every corner of the reception area, all while ignoring Changbin's pointed looks. 

"Tell me if you find him, okay?" Changbin asks casually, tipping his wine glass to his lips half-way when he sees Hyunjin's frown, "What? You're not the only one who hasn't seen him in years!" 

"Shut up, hyung. I'm not looking for anyone." 

But right at the same time, he lets his eyes wander towards the entrance where a group of people just barged in. Changbin chuckles. 

Okay, maybe he _is_ looking for someone. But that's only because Hyunjin believes he wouldn't pass up the opportunity to be in the most important event of his friend's life. 

Hyunjin sighs and slumps back on his seat. 

Who is he kidding.

He has scanned the ceremony venue just as much as he did now (Changbin had to elbow him a few times to get him to pay attention), but there had been no signs of him. Now, for some reason, the guests at the reception seem to have doubled and Hyunjin's spark of hope lights up again, but he can already feel it dwindling away. 

Besides, what is he even going to say to him? Is Hyunjin even prepared to see him? Are they going to pick up where they left off as if those two empty years didn't just happen or do they have to face a huge dramatic confrontation first?

The program continues as Hyunjin drifts in his own thoughts. He hasn't really paid any attention since they got there. He thinks the MC is a drag. 

" _-acknowledge the presence of the groom’s bandmates."_

Except now. 

" _Hello, Changbin-ssi! How are you enjoying the dessert?_ ” 

Changbin sends a double thumbs-up as a response, a wide grin on his face. The uncalled for attention from the crowd prickles at his skin, and Hyunjin tries his best to send everyone a (forced) smile. 

“ _Can we request the band to play something for us today_?” 

The _what_. 

The band - the _other_ band - the one Minho hired for his wedding, are still in their positions but Hyunjin notices with slight panic that they’re all staring towards his and Changbin’s general direction.

The crowd starts in a light applause and Hyunjin tries his best to keep his expression friendly. Leaning towards Changbin, he whispers, “Are they crazy? They can’t just ask us to play!” 

Changbin ignores him. He gets on his feet, smiling broadly to the crowd. 

“Are _you_ crazy?”

The older grabs him by the sleeve, pulling him up. “Let’s just do it - for Minho.” He adds, as if that would help. 

"But I haven’t played in _years._ " 

"So have I." 

"You supervise a whole _music school_." 

"And it's not the same thing as performing." 

The MC calls for their attention again and Hyunjin realizes in a flash of horror that everyone has been staring at them angry-whispering at each other.

"We’re coming!" Changbin tugs Hyunjin along, and the latter realizes that there's no point arguing now, so he just lets himself get dragged. 

As soon as they get on the platform, the hired band vacates their positions. The bass guitar gets handed on to Hyunjin. 

“You play the bass, right?” The bassist taps him on the back before leaving, not even waiting for Hyunjin to respond. 

“Jinnie!” Minho is already in position, the electric guitar worn over his shoulders. He motions to the instrument leaning against the amp. “Don’t take that. Use the acoustic.” 

Hyunjin gladly follows; he switches the bass to the acoustic in a second. He wears the strap over himself with trembling hands, watching as Changbin makes his way to the drum set. Minho is always situated at the right side of the stage, and Hyunjin takes the left. Seeing his two bandmates in position, Hyunjin starts to move in a force of habit - even though he feels like this isn’t a good idea, even though he feels like he could faint at any moment, he still makes his way towards the other end of the platform. He remembers too late that he has taken over the center position ever since- 

" _Wait_! Don't start without me!" 

A combination of laughter and whispers erupt in the crowd. 

Hyunjin sucks in a breath. 

He turns around just in time to see him jogging down the center aisle in a black suit, wearing a somber grin on his face. He looks exactly the same as how Hyunjin remembers him, except for his hair. It's jet black now. Hyunjin is just trying to figure out what to make out of it when he notices Seungmin returning his gaze, breaking his train of thoughts. 

Seungmin looks away first when he finally steps on the platform. 

The hired band's keyboardist asks him, “Are you taking the guitar or the keyboard?” 

Minho answers for him, "Minnie, acoustic." 

"Since when do you throw orders around here, hyung?" Minho sends Changbin a sharp look over his shoulder. 

"It's my wedding." 

"Right. Sorry." 

For one frightening moment, Hyunjin watches as Seungmin scans the area before his eyes land on him. 

His smile falters for a second, looking as if he's about to say something else and not, "You have the acoustic." 

"Hyunjin." 

Minho's voice finally snaps him out of his daze, detaching the acoustic guitar from himself then handing it over to the man before him. 

Hyunjin mechanically gravitates back to the bass, ignoring Changbin who has been whispering his name over and over.

Seungmin turns to Minho, “What are we playing today, hyung?” 

“What's appropriate for a wedding?”

Changbin speaks up, “I’m sure your wife wouldn’t mind anything from the discography. How about ‘ _Like a knife’_?” 

Hyunjin would have laughed if he still isn't so out of it. Changbin is one of the songwriters of the said track and if he remembers correctly, the chorus goes something like, ‘ _Today you walked out of my life / Your words hurt like a knife_ ’. 

Oh, the bride is definitely going to mind that. 

“I’m gonna ram this guitar on you after this.” 

Some things just never change. It's almost a relief to know that despite the band not seeing each other in years, the banters still emerge naturally. Changbin still blurts out the first thing that comes to his mind. Minho still threatens him for it. And Seungmin still laughs like how Hyunjin remembers it - breathy and just a tad bit melodic. 

“Do you have any suggestions, Jinnie?” 

Hyunjin's heart picks up at the upfront address. For a moment, he thought it was Seungmin who asked, but it turned out to be Minho.

“‘ _Piece of your heart'?_ ” He says, not really thinking, not really looking at anyone. 

It’s funny how Hyunjin has imagined this moment in his head countless times before and has thought about all the questions he wants to ask, and the explanations he wants to demand from him, yet now that he’s _here_ , Hyunjin can’t think of anything but how raven hair looks really good on him. 

Seungmin smiles, his gaze lingering before looking towards Minho and then Changbin. “I think it’s perfect.” 

Bands don’t usually assign leaders, as is the case for them, but Seungmin almost always seemed to call the shots whenever the band fell into conflicted opinions. And oddly enough, the rest agrees to whatever he suggests or to whose pitch he thinks is the best. 

With a couple of nods and grunts of assent, the song is decided. 

  
  
  


Hyunjin wrote the first half of the lyrics of the said song- 

_You are the brightest I've seen / You are the best part of me -_ and Seungmin dealt with the rest - _And it goes on / Forever just like this / If I could go back / I'd do it all over with you again._

。。

_The garage, 2016_

With a sigh, Hyunjin puts down the guitar, leaning it against the wall. Changbin and Minho are out for a convenience store run (they lost to the other two in a round of rock-paper-scissors) while Seungmin is on the floor where he has been scribbling furiously on a pad of paper. 

His frustrations are kind of rubbing off on Hyunjin. He has been trying not to stare at him, but it's hard not to when he hums every once in a while, and he scratches his pencil on the paper furiously, the sound forcing Hyunjin to check up on him in case he ate the entire pad out of frustration. And also because Seungmin has this kind of energy around him which makes it hard for the other to _not_ look at him. 

Similar to when you're looking at the night sky and you're naturally gravitated to the brightest star.

"I think you need a break, Minnie." 

The advice only makes the knit between his eyebrows deepen. Hyunjin smiles. 

"I have to finish this now." Seungmin tells him sternly without looking up.

"What's it about?" Hyunjin leans forward, resting his elbows on his thighs. 

"It's a song." 

_Obviously_ , he almost says. 

" _What is it about_?" Hyunjin prods. 

Seungmin finally looks at him and Hyunjin recognizes it instantly. It's the warning look, the one which makes Changbin cower in fear. He knows that if he presses on the subject once more, Seungmin would end up snapping at him. This is how he knows that the other could use a distraction.

Hyunjin blurts out the first thing that comes to mind, "If I didn't meet you at the record store, where would you be right now?" 

"What?" 

Hyunjin shrugs. "I've always wondered. I know _I_ would pursue my engineering career, even though I hate it." He's starting to get Seungmin's attention now which means it's working. He's distracting him. Hyunjin goes on, "Changbin would take over his family's business. Minho would… Minho would…" He takes a pause, "He would probably do something." 

"Minho hyung would be in a different band, I think."

"You think so?" 

"Yeah, he's so musically inclined it's hard to imagine him in another profession." 

"I guess you're right." 

Seungmin's zoning out. Hyunjin can tell that he's thinking. 

He tells him, " _You're_ musically inclined." 

Seungmin looks up. "Me?" 

"Yeah. Would you be in another band if _this_ didn't happen?" 

"I don't know…" Seungmin looks around the garage for a moment, his eyes glazing over every corner - at the instruments, the empty bottles of energy drinks lying on the floor, the mess of their notes stuck on the wall. His sight lands on Hyunjin, and his smile fades a little.

"I can't imagine being with anyone else, though." 

Hyunjin chuckles despite the erratic beating in his chest. "But you wouldn't even know who we are if we haven't met, Minnie." 

Seungmin shakes his head, "No, I mean, it's hard to imagine being in a band without you." 

He adds, "With all of you." 

。。

Hyunjin has to admit - he missed the cheers and applause. He missed the way the guitar felt on his fingers, how he takes control of the music, how his bandmates work together to create a rhythmic magic they call music - _their_ music. 

It all feels good during the moment, but Hyunjin hurriedly leaves the platform after the song has ended, the last note reverberating in the room and the light applause comes filling over it. 

"Hyunjin-" It's Changbin, but Hyunjin chooses to ignore him, heading straight to the door he finds near the back of the stage. 

He realizes that he’s not prepared. 

"Hyunjin." It's not Changbin this time, but he still keeps going. He realizes too late that the door he walks in on is a staff-only door, earning startled looks from waiters as he barges in what looks like a mini kitchen. 

He's not prepared for _this_ , for anything. 

"Sorry - is there an exit out of here?" 

A stout woman points to the far wall. 

" _Hyunjin_." 

Hyunjin moves towards it. He can feel ten or so pairs of eyes following him, and when he moves past them, their gazes move towards the man close behind him. 

He steps out of a long narrow corridor, the walls lined with golden-framed portraits of people. He doesn't idle around to read the labels underneath them. All he wants is to get at the end of this stupid secluded hallway- 

" _Hyunjin._ " He catches up with him finally, hand clasping around Hyunjin's arm to prevent him from taking a step further. "Hyunjin, _stop_ \- Where are you even going?" 

Hyunjin stops. He doesn't raise his gaze from the floor. He doesn't want to look at him. He's afraid he might cry if he does. Or blurt out something he might regret later.

"What do you want." 

"We were only trying to stop you for the photo, but I saw you heading towards an off-limits door so I kept following you because you got me concerned." 

"Well thanks, I guess." 

" _Hyunjin_."

" _What_."

Seungmin reaches towards him in one swift move; Hyunjin backs away in reflex, his back hitting the wall. He makes the mistake of leaving his dress shirt unbottoned by the collar, so it shows the silver chain hanging around his neck. 

Seungmin's clutching to it now, his grip softening after that sudden action. He lets his fingers slide through the chain and Hyunjin watches him silently with a pounding heart, trying not to think about their proximity. 

Seungmin is staring at the pendant now, his eyes steady, his breath a bit shaky. Hyunjin can't interpret any of it. 

"This is mine." He says finally, his voice so low that the words have mixed with his breath, Hyunjin barely hears them. "You gave this to me. The pick, I mean." 

"I know." Hyunjin matches his whispering tone, but there is an iciness to his voice. "After you threw it away." 

"I didn't throw it away." 

"Well, you surely didn't take it with you. You just left it there." Hyunjin takes a shaky breath. "Without warning. Without saying anything."

Hyunjin touches the pick too but there's only so much room in that tiny object to place his fingers without touching the other man's hand. Seungmin doesn't take his away. 

“You know, you- how can you just leave without thinking about-” 

_Me,_ he wants to say. 

But Hyunjin had thought it over and over in his head - Seungmin doesn’t owe him anything. 

“You just upped and left.” Seungmin starts to blur in front of him, then he realizes it's just the tears brimming in his eyes. 

"I'm sorry." Seungmin's voice starts to crack and Hyunjin’s conflicted, tipping on both mad and confused because _why the hell is his heart crumpling at the sight of him in tears?_ "I'm really _really_ sorry." 

Hyunjin takes his hands which had found their way on his shoulders, bringing them down, but not letting them go. Seungmin’s gaze is burning but he can’t make himself look back at him. He wants words to come out of his mouth, but he doesn't know what to say. He wants to say, 'it's okay' but that would be a lie. He wants to say he will never get over what he has done, but that would be a lie too. His heart is already softening up at the thought of him _crying_ , at the thought of him being here finally. And he's holding his hands and Hyunjin thinks that he might not want to let him go. 

"I couldn't stand the mistreatment. The authorization. The fact that the company had to tell us what to do down to every little thing in our daily lives. It was suffocating, Jinnie, there was nothing else I could do." 

"You could have talked to us about it, Seungmin."

"I did."

"You didn't say anything about leaving." Hyunjin pauses to steady his breathing, "I know I was a bit of a dick then, but I would have understood. We would have understood." 

Seungmin's hands are cold. 

Slowly, Hyunjin lets them go. 

"I'm sorry. Jinnie-" 

Without another word or glance at him, Hyunjin continues down the corridor, his footsteps echoing on the floor.

  
  
  


Changbin finds him later in the mini courtyard, sitting on the central fountain amongst the lush of vines surrounding area.

The air is crisp and biting, and the only light illuminating the garden is the glow from the hallway light, but Hyunjin would rather endure the cold and the dim lighting rather than return to the reception hall. 

"Jinnie!" Changbin jogs up to him, face cast with shadows.

Hyunjin gets on his feet instantly, assuming that it's already time for them to leave. He's dead beat, and all he wants to do right now is curl up in his bed with _The Smiths_ blasting in the background. 

However, Changbin pulls him back down to sit on the fountain with him. 

"Jesus, Jinnie. I've been looking all over for you." 

Hyunjin wishes he would stop calling him Jesus. "I sent you a text." 

Changbin stretches his legs out on the ground. The music from the hall comes out faint in the courtyard but it's enough for Hyunjin to enjoy the string of melodies which tugs at his heartstrings. 

He missed performing so much. So _so much._

"They're good. The band." He adds when Changbin looks up at him in confusion. 

The older scrunches up his face as if he just smelled something nasty. "Nah, we're better." 

"I missed performing." He finds himself admitting out loud. 

When Changbin speaks again, his voice has softened, "Me too." 

No one speaks for a moment, and Hyunjin appreciates the silence which has allowed him more time to enjoy the music from the hall. 

"So," Changbin begins and Hyunjin is slapped with a strong feeling of nostalgia. He already has a feeling that he wouldn't like whatever he's going to say. 

"The guys and I talked." 

Ah. That. 

_'The guys and I talked'_ is the phrase they all had agreed to ban in their earlier years, agreeing to discuss band matters only when they are complete. It always creates a sort of problem when they leave anyone out. Whenever that phrase is spoken, an argument ensues: ( _"You talked about this without me?" "We're telling you now." "But it's pretty much decided now, isn't it? I don't get to have a say in this anymore.")_ But that was years ago and Hyunjin guesses that the ban has long been lifted now. 

But he still can't help feeling a bit upset. Has he really been out here for that long? Enough for the rest of his bandmates to discuss something important? 

Hyunjin drops his gaze on the grass by his feet. 

"We talked about regrouping." 

Ah. That. 

Hyunjin has sort of expected it already. He knows he wasn't the only one who has felt that electrifying feeling after performing again. Maybe it's not just about _performing_ , or the way it had made him feel, but it's about the people he had performed _with_.

Thinking that they all had felt the same, Hyunjin now feels lighter.

He tugs at his ear, just for him to have something to do. He asks, "What about a label?" 

Their contract with their old company expired in the duration of their current hiatus. Neither of the band members have made the move to renew it. 

Changbin snorts. "We don't need that!" A short pause, then, "Okay, maybe not for now. But we'll find something later, and this time, we'll make sure to read the contract terms before signing." 

Hyunjin couldn't help it; he laughs. 

"So, are you in?" 

Hyunjin sobers instantly, contemplating the offer as quickly as he could. Does he really need to answer now? 

"When you said, ' _the guys_ ', do you mean-?" When he looks at Changbin, he already has a little smile on. 

"Yes, Jinnie, it includes Seungmin." He proceeds, "You don't have to answer now. I know it's tough for you to see him again after everything." 

"No, it's not." 

"What?" 

"It's not tough for me." 

"Jinnie, you're literally moping around in a dark-" Changbin looks around with a slight shiver, "-ominous garden." 

"I'm just taking a breather." He argues, annoyed. 

He's not _moping around._ He's just… calming down - sorting out his thoughts before speaking to anyone. He doesn't want to say something he doesn't mean when he's all bottled up with emotions. 

Changbin's tone is suddenly all business-like with a tinge of impatience. "Look, you don't have to deny it. You were always closer with Seungmin, we all knew that. You took it the worst when he left the band and you were clearly expecting to see him today-"

"No, I wasn't." 

" _-and there's nothing wrong with that_. I was expecting him today too, and do you know what I felt when I finally saw him in that hall?" 

"I don't really care, hyung." 

"I wanted to punch him." Hyunjin finally looks at him, not expecting this kind of confession. Changbin nods, "That's right, I did. I mean, how can he just walk up to us like that and act as if nothing happened?"

Hyunjin hesitates. When he speaks again, his voice is slightly shaky, "He had his reasons." 

"He could have told us. We would have understood." 

"It wasn't easy for him. I'm sure he missed the band more than we missed him. It's probably ten times worse when you have to deal with it alone." 

"I think he deserves it." 

"No, he _doesn't_." 

Hyunjin takes the short silence to steady his breathing and it isn't until Changbin places a hand on his shoulder does he realize what the older had just done. 

"Fuck you, hyung."

"You're defending him, Jinnie." He points out in a calmer tone, finally breaking out of his mind game facade.

" _Fuck you_." 

"Hyunjin." Changbin gives a gentle squeeze on his shoulder. "You're- how do I say this? You're terrible at dealing with your emotions. You bottle them up and explode later and affect everyone around you." 

"No, I _don't_." 

Changbin proceeds like he doesn't hear him, "My biggest regret was not talking to you when the band fell apart two years ago. I thought you needed time so I just let you be. I let you deal with your own feelings, Jinnie, and it was already too late when I realized that I shouldn't have let you alone. I just don't want you to go through that again." 

"That wasn't your fault, hyung." 

"Never said it was." Changbin sighs, "Look, my point is, stop denying shit, Hyunjin. That's what you always do. That's how you blow up." 

Hyunjin runs a hand through his hair, frustrated. "I don't get the point of this conversation- _I'm not denying anything."_

Changbin rolls his eyes. He finally cuts to the chase. "I know that you liked him, Hyunjin. I've known for a long time now. I saw it in the way you looked at him. Among others." He adds. 

Hyunjin doesn't know if he wants to combust or roll on the ground and cry. Maybe both. His heart drums like crazy in his chest as he whispers, "Was I that obvious?" 

"Maybe. I don't know. I guess I just know you too well." 

Hyunjin nods because that makes sense. He hears the chattering getting louder as the guests take their leave out of the hall, some passing through the corridor encompassing the courtyard.

"Why are you telling me this now, hyung?" 

"Obviously, there was no point telling you before when he - you know. _When he was gone_. " Changbin takes another dramatic pause, "But he's-" 

Changbin stops mid-sentence and Hyunjin follows his gaze to where he's squinting at a figure - no, two - walking towards them from the hallway. 

The light from the hallway outlines their figures - one man has an arm around the other - but their features are dimmed, taking a while for Hyunjin's eyes to adjust to the shadows. 

As if he hadn't already seen him that night, Hyunjin lets out a little gasp when he catches sight of his gentle expression, matched with his jet-black hair. (Hyunjin thinks he's never getting over his black hair.)

Beside him, Changbin continues where he left off, "But he's back now, Jinnie. Quite literally." 

Minho hollers at them with a wave of his hand, but Hyunjin's not really looking at him. 

He meets Seungmin's eyes when the latter is only about a meter away, noticing the subtle gesture of the other pursing his lips into what looks like a smile. 

"And you still look at him the same way." 

Hyunjin elbows Changbin hard on the side and the latter crouches over just in time for Seungmin to reach over and stop him from sliding to the ground. On the other hand, Minho is laughing, amused by the play of events.

"Hyung, are you okay?" 

Hyunjin makes sure to look away; just the sound of his voice makes him tingly and nervous. 

He hears Changbin wheeze beside him, " _Fucking Hwang Hyunjin._ " 

Minho takes this moment to plop down on the vacant space beside him, putting an arm over his shoulders. He can just make out the faint smell of alcohol which explains his uncharacteristic behavior.

"So, Hyunjin, _the guys and I talked_ -" - The corners of Hyunjin's lips turn up in a tiny smile - "-and we're thinking about a comeback. So, what do you say?" 

"Changbin already told me about it actually. And I think-" He pauses to glance at the other two. When he looks back at Minho, there's this lingering tingle in his chest. "I think I need a bit more time to decide." 

Minho breathes out a heavy sigh, giving Hyunjin a hard slap on the back. "Understandable." 

He thinks he sees a sort of glint in Minho's eyes as the older looks at him with a smile, but he's not entirely sure. What he does know is that Hyunjin feels this part of him ebb away, making him feel a tad lighter.

"Okay, time for you all to go." Minho gets on his feet, clapping before giving each one of them a little pat on the head. 

"Eager to be with your wife, huh?" Changbin's just asking for it sometimes.

Minho sends him a sharp look, and he holds his gaze even after he has started heading back to the hall. He points at Changbin, "I'll deal with you later." 

"Congratulations again, hyung!" Seungmin yells after him.

Changbin shoots him some hearts, while Hyunjin waves. 

Minho looks back one last time, his smile blinding despite him facing against the light. "Thanks for coming!" He tells them before disappearing out of sight. 

Changbin's grin fades away when he turns to the company he's left with; one is staring dumbly at the grass and the other is just standing there, looking as if he's waiting to be acknowledged. 

He sighs, "Seungmin, do you need a ride home?" 

He shakes his head, smiling a little at him. "Thanks, hyung but I have my ride." 

"Oh, okay, then." Hyunjin can feel the weight of Changbin's gaze on him, as if he's expecting him to do something. But Hyunjin isn't in the right headspace to figure out what it is, so he just sits there and pretends that there's something in the hallway which looks highly interesting even though it's actually empty.

"So, uh-" Changbin looks from one to the other. "We'll be going then. Keep in touch, Minnie, okay?" There's a tone of command in the final sentence and Hyunjin couldn't help glancing at Seungmin, just to see his reaction. 

"Of course, hyung." He's smiling. "It was nice seeing you again." _Now_ he's smiling at Hyunjin. 

He parts his lips as if to say something, but Hyunjin stands up and follows after Changbin, who has already walked away, probably to give the two some time alone.

Changbin startles when he feels Hyunjin's presence beside him, " _What the fuck, Hyunjin."_ He looks back, but Hyunjin doesn't follow his gaze. 

He doesn't want to look at him right now. 

They almost make it out of the courtyard when Changbin asks, "Aren't you gonna say goodbye?" 

Hyunjin doesn't reply. 

It's high time Hyunjin realizes that he can't live off of his royalties forever. 

Perhaps it was in attending Minho's grand wedding which has sparked this realization - the way he came home that same night to a messy apartment with a week-old _jajangmyeon_ container on the coffee table. 

He thinks, if he wants to get his life together, he's gonna have to start at home. 

He set off to work immediately, picking up trash, clearing his sink, and wiping every dusted furniture he can reach, including his precious instruments. 

While he was at it, Hyunjin had the idea to plug in his bass guitar. He slaps through the bass line of _Disco Inferno,_ almost breaking down in tears when he realizes just how much he actually missed playing. 

Perhaps it was _this_ that gave him the idea. 

A week after Minho's wedding, he braved to ask Changbin if he could volunteer to teach in his music school. 

"Volunteer?" Changbin raises an eyebrow. 

Changbin may not be as well-off as Minho, but at least he's doing something he loves. There is not a day in which he doesn't talk about his students without a big grin on his face, and Hyunjin realizes that he's more envious of him than he is of Minho. Hyunjin wants to keep doing music too. 

"Well, yeah. After a few weeks, if you find me capable, you can hire me, I guess." 

Changbin cracks up. "That's not how it works!" 

"Yes, it is."

"I mean, you don't get to dictate the employer on what to do." 

The music school is short on staff anyway, so Changbin agrees. 

Hyunjin teaches the guitar and the bass. He didn't think the job to be extremely hard - he _has_ been playing the instruments for over ten years after all - but there is one thing he failed to consider until his first day when he walked into the room and was met by four pairs of bright curious eyes - _children._

Good god, the _children_. 

Hyunjin had been terribly nervous at first, but he soon realizes that children cannot see through one's external reactions, and that they don't really care about anything except for when you're nice or not, or when you play _spin the top_ with them during break time. 

They're tolerable most days, but Hyunjin finds that he couldn't break them apart on his own when a fistfight ensues, having to call for Changbin's help, who is more experienced in the child discipline department. 

It took a while. He realizes that the only way to get the children to warm up to him is for _him_ to warm up to _them_ first.

“Teacher Hwang?” Heeyul, a 7-year old who always likes to wear her hair in high pigtail buns, approaches him with tiny steps, her hands tugging on the hem of his shirt. Hyunjin coos inwardly as he bends down on his knees so he can look her in the eye. 

“Yes, Heeyul?” 

“Do you teach piano?”

It just so happens that Changbin has walked in at the same time and hears the kid’s question. They look at each other in mild surprise before Hyunjin turns back to Heeyul with a smile.

“Um, not at the moment, but Teacher Seo is currently working his a- his uh- head off to find a new piano teacher. Aren't you, Teacher Seo?" 

"Oh, yes! Of course!" 

He tells Changbin later, “You know, the kid has a point. What kind of music school doesn’t teach piano?” 

“We _did_ have piano lessons before, newbie. I just haven’t had the chance to look for Jisung's replacement since no one has asked for a piano lesson anyway.” 

“Until now. Until Heeyul.” 

“Until Heeyul.” Changbin agrees, giving him a side glance. “You’re really fond of her, are you?” 

Hyunjin shrugs, not even trying to hide the smile upon the mention of his favorite student. (He knows he shouldn't play favorites but it's hard not to when the rest of the kids are little devils compared to Heeyul.) “She’s really cute.” 

“She is.” They're silent for a moment. Hyunjin can feel the older's gaze on him as he puts back the guitars on their stands. 

Then Changbin asks, “So, do you have anyone in mind?” 

"What?” 

“For the piano teacher.” 

It is one of those weird brief moments - they exchange a look just as a certain someone flashes in his mind. He recognizes the look on Changbin's face, just as how he seemed to recognize his too, and somehow, they both know that they’re thinking of the same thing. But no one dares to say anything. Without a word from either of them, they disperse, leaving the conversation hanging. 

  
  
  


In the month that followed, Hyunjin had mastered his way around the academy, finding no need to call for Changbin at the littlest of inconveniences. 

Changbin even entrusted him a duplicate key to the main entrance of the small building, though this had only been put to happen when Hyunjin kept arriving way earlier than their intended opening time and he berates Changbin for the time he spent sitting outside the cold. ( _"I'm not late, you're just early!"_ ) 

Hyunjin likes to be at the music academy as early as the rise of dawn. There's just something about the crisp morning air and the tranquil mood which draws him to that certain time. 

Hyunjin has just walked past the iron fence when he spots a figure sitting at the porch of the building, right where he used to sit when he still didn't have a key. 

He marches up cautiously, feeling the wind bite at his cheeks. He adjusts his scarf tighter, eyes fixated on the person. 

For a short panic-stricken moment, Hyunjin considers turning back.

_He's here._

But he trudges on, and Seungmin stands up as soon as he gets close enough, returning his stare with an unfathomable look.

"What are you doing here?" The shock of seeing him there at that time of day has rendered Hyunjin a little breathless. Even if he meant his tone to be cold and biting, it slithered out of his mouth softly, almost sounding a little confused. (Because he is.) 

“Changbin hyung invited me to come over.” Seungmin replies. 

"He's not here yet." Hyunjin walks past him, up to the front door so he can unlock it. With his back to him, he asks, "Do you have any business to do with the academy or did he just invite you out of the goodness of his heart?" 

"The latter, probably. I've been wanting to see what it's like anyway." 

Hyunjin steps inside the building and holds the door open for him, "Then, come in." 

He watches as Seungmin takes in the little lobby - the way his eyes glazes over the string and wind instruments in the glass case at the far end of the wall, the way he lets out a little smile as he approaches the bulletin board with random class photos, the way his smile disappears from his face when he notices the framed photo right behind the receiving counter, replaced by a melancholic look which finally makes Hyunjin look away. 

"It's not much." He says as he looks up at the framed photo as well. 

It's a photo of the band at the garage during their earlier days, back when half the nation didn't know who they were. Changbin's mom was the one who took it. She only went to check on them because they had been arguing loudly about the song they were trying to perfect. After noticing the atmosphere, she had called for a band photoshoot, successfully stripping them off of the tension. 

"No, no." Seungmin turns to him. "It's perfect." 

The moment is interrupted by the sound of the front door opening.

“Oh!” 

They both turn around to see Changbin by the doorway, a paper bag in hand. 

“Seungmin? What a surprise!” He approaches the said man and embraces him in an awkward hug. He then places the bag on the counter and starts taking out the cups of coffees. There are three overall. 

“Surprise, you say.” Hyunjin whispers to him with a sarcastic tone, taking his portion from the counter.

Changbin ignores him; he turns towards Seungmin and offers him a cup. “So, what brings you here, Minnie?” 

Seungmin accepts it while looking at him with an apprehensive look. “Um, you invited me, remember?” 

“During Minho’s wedding." Changbin says almost too quickly. "That’s right. I did. I invited him.” 

“Hyung, can I talk to you for a sec?” Hyunjin asks. Changbin gives Seungmin a look before they both head towards the drum room. 

Hyunjin makes sure that the door is closed, peeking out of the little glass on the door and seeing Seungmin admiring their framed photograph again. 

He turns to Changbin, “Hyung, you obviously set this up.” 

Changbin visibly deflates, his shoulders sagging as if an invisible weight has been lifted off of him.

He holds Hyunjin's gaze with a stern look. “Hyunjin, we need a piano teacher.” 

“No.” Hyunjin walks towards the center of the room, just close enough for him to look out the window, so he can distract himself from the whirling of his mind.

“What? I thought we already talked about this.” 

Hyunjin turns to him, “I mean, we’re not hiring Seungmin.” 

“Why not?” 

“Because- he’s- it would be weird.” 

“For who? For you?” 

“No. For the students.” 

Changbin scowls, confused. “Why would it be weird for them?” 

“We are ¾ of _The Sign_.” 

The older lets out a sound which borders between a scoff and a laugh. “Jesus, you’re unbelievable." He shakes his head, "Anyway, this is _my_ school. I don’t need to consult you on anything.”

“It’s great you remember that.” Hyunjin says after him as he walks out of the room. 

  
  
  


Changbin ends up hiring Seungmin because - _of course, he does_. 

Hyunjin tries to act all indifferent about this especially when the older assigns him to orient Seungmin around stuff. Hyunjin yields despite knowing that it all had been on purpose and he really wants to throttle Changbin for it. 

It wasn't that bad, orienting Seungmin - he still likes to write things down, except this time, he has learned to use the notes feature on his smartphone. Hyunjin deliberately takes long pauses to give him time to put everything down. He even makes the mistake of asking, “Did you get that?” And Seungmin looks up at him, eyes rounding in surprise, and Hyunjin mentally curses himself but he forgets about everything when he breaks out in a smile, “Yeah.” 

Seungmin warms up to the children faster than Hyunjin had. He has memorized the kids’ names on his first day. In his first week, he has learned all their habits. In his first half-month, the children are fighting over who gets to give him a hug first before they bid goodbye. In his first month, the children are plainly fighting over him. 

“The kids really like you…” Hyunjin muses absentmindedly as Seungmin sends off the last kid out the door with his dad. 

Seungmin shrugs. “I think they can sense that I like them too.” 

“I like them too.” Hyunjin points out. 

“Genuinely.” 

“Ah.” 

Seungmin chuckles lightly at this and Hyunjin has to look away from him because it's all coming back to him now, _slowly_ \- the fluttering in his chest when he receives the bare minimum reactions from Seungmin and the way it seems as if he's gravitated towards him. 

He hasn't fully realized it yet, but he, too, has done his fair share of warming up and that's talking beyond his relationship with the children. 

Hyunjin strips his eyes away from him when Changbin emerges from the drum room, his coat and beanie already worn. 

He says there's an emergency at home which is in need of his immediate attention. "It's my grandma." He adds as he bends over to fix his shoelaces. 

"Is she okay?" Seungmin asks, crouching over the counter to look at the older, concern melting over his voice. 

Changbin brushes him off. "She's fine. She's just visiting." He straightens up, "But as her favorite grandchild, I can't have her wait up for me. You know how she calls me 'the oasis of the desert'."

Hyunjin snorts which makes Changbin shoot him a sharp look. 

"You think my gran-gran's nickname for me is funny, do you?" 

"Oh, no. I think it's brilliant. It suits you." 

Changbin doesn't seem to have noticed the sarcasm. He beams. "Well, I have to go. I'll leave you two to close up." 

"Wait! What about my ride?" 

Changbin stops by the doorway to send him an exasperated look. "Jinnie, you're almost thirty-" 

" _I am not_!" 

"-I trust that you can take the subway on your own." And as if the idea only occurs to him, Changbin turns from one man to the other, his expression brightening up by the second. " _Or,_ you can ask Seungmin to drop you off." 

Hyunjin is about to protest, or make up an excuse, or say that it's not necessary, but Seungmin speaks up first, "I don't mind." 

Hyunjin ignores the way his heart skips a beat. 

"Really?" 

"Yeah." 

By the doorway, Changbin exaggerates a disgusted cringing expression.

  
  
  


It seems that the news of the band reuniting in Minho's wedding has reached the media, two months after the said event. (Changbin said Minho had tried not to let a single word out to the public but there's only so much he can control especially when he holds the event in a famous landmark.)

The song that comes on on the radio right after Seungmin has started the engine is one of _theirs_. They exchange a look before bursting into laughter at the craziness of it all.

"I haven't listened to this in a while." Seungmin muses as he reaches to turn up the volume.

Soon, Seungmin's radio voice resonates in the vehicle, and it makes Hyunjin realize that he hasn't listened to any of their songs for quite some time either. 

There's a difference between _performing_ and _listening_ \- the former requires a little bit of concentration, like he's trying to balance on a rope to get him to be in rhythm with the other members. He can lose himself to the music in the midst of a performance too, but it's nothing compared to when he's just listening. When he's listening, Hyunjin feels as if he's freely soaring through the air. 

It's not until they have reached the highway when the silence is broken between them.

"We composed this together." Hyunjin blurts out, staring ahead at a red light through the windshield. 

He expects Seungmin to agree but he begins in a slightly strained tone, "You know-" Seungmin starts, "You probably don't care but- the lyrics-" So this is how he's like when he's nervous. He stutters, avoids eye contact and tightens his grip on whatever he's holding on to. In this case, the steering wheel. 

"I wrote it when you- When you were so busy with college and you barely had time to practice." Seungmin glances at him quickly, "Just thought you should know." 

Hyunjin then tries to catch a few lines of the lyrics. 

_I wanna come back home to see your face / Another day without you with me / Is like a blade that cuts right through me_

Hyunjin bites back a smile. His voice is abashedly low when he says, "It's a love song." 

Seungmin clears his throat. "Well, of course I had to tweak it a bit for dramatic purposes." 

"Of course." Hyunjin agrees, his heart fluttering in his chest like a bird in a cage, but he decides to take his word for it.

The next song comes on, and Hyunjin recognizes it as one of Nick Cave's, a slow love ballad which doesn't help at all in calming his racing heart. Hyunjin's just about to ask him to turn left when they reach the intersection, but he already seems to know where he's going. Hyunjin tries not to think too much about the fact that Seungmin still remembers where he lives. 

"Jinnie," 

"Hmm?"

"You _are_ thinking about the comeback, right?" 

"Yeah." He answers quickly. "Changbin hyung never forgets to remind me every day." 

And he has already made up his mind about it. 

"We're not pressuring you or anything." 

Hyunjin laughs a little, just to release some of the tension in the air. "I know, Minnie. Just tell me when you're meeting up at the garage. I'll see if I can make it." 

Hyunjin has always been hard to persuade - he really is - but with just a little bit of time (and persistence, in his persuader's case), he always ends up giving in. 

It's not even just about performing again, or the fame, or the royalties. He thinks about stepping into the garage again, after all those years, and reconnecting with the three most important people in his life. That's what's making him resolve his decision. 

He doesn't realize that he has been staring at Seungmin the entire time until the latter has parked the car and has turned to him timidly with a slight scowl. 

"What?" 

Hyunjin shakes his head, smiling a little. "I'm still not used to seeing you in black hair."

Instinctively, Seungmin runs a hand through his locks; Hyunjin gulps. 

"Most people said that it suits me." 

The dejected tone makes Hyunjin respond hastily, "It does!" Then he clears his throat, speaking in a lower tone, "It does look good on you." 

Seungmin turns away so he doesn't see how he reacts. A second later, he's looking through the window towards the landscape in front of Hyunjin's apartment building. 

"We're here. This place hasn't changed one bit, has it?" 

"They added a few rose bushes, actually, but you have to squint to see it." 

Seungmin doesn't laugh or react at all. He's gripping on the steering wheel again. 

"Jinnie." 

Hyunjin's breath hitches, thinking that he still needs to get over Seungmin calling him by his nickname again. 

"I really am sorry about everything." 

Hyunjin is speechless as Seungmin stumbles over his words, explaining the same thing he has said to him the night of Minho's wedding, eyes not meeting his the entire time. 

"Minnie." He finally cuts him off, and Seungmin looks up at him in surprise, probably because he's not expecting the softness in his tone. 

Hyunjin wants to reach over and brush away the remaining creases of his scowl. 

He does, and just when he's about to pull his hand away, Seungmin grabs his hand and presses his palm on his cheek. 

He tries not to think about it, about the warmth of his skin, or the way Seungmin has lost all his nerves and is now looking straight at him. 

"I thought you left because of me." He whispers into the silence, and just like that, Seungmin drops his hand, and he's opening and closing his mouth as if he's struggling to find the right words. 

Hyunjin panics. "No, no, Minnie. That's not what I meant. I mean, _yes,_ it is. But I'm not mad anymore." 

Seungmin's eyes are clouded with tears and Hyunjin feels mad at himself for being so tactless. 

"You're not?" His bottom lip quivers and he knows it's wrong to think of it this way but the sight of him trying to hold back tears tugs at Hyunjin's heartstrings. 

"Yeah. I only blamed myself then because we had that fight," Seungmin starts to shake his head, opening his mouth as if to protest, but Hyunjin continues, "And there was the- uhm- _the kiss_.” 

Seungmin furrows his brows. "What?" 

" _The kiss._ " 

"Hyunjin, stop mumbling." 

"The kiss!" 

Seungmin startles, but for some reason, Hyunjin knows it's not because he has raised his voice just above a whisper. 

He looks out of the windshield again, as if in a daze, and Hyunjin can only look at him with his heart drumming in his chest. 

When he turns to Hyunjin again, he's sporting a sad smile, "I almost didn't push through because of that." He adds, "Because of you." 

"And that was a good thing, right?" 

Seungmin chuckles lightly, "God, Hyunjin, _no._ You made my life an absolute hell after that kiss. I already talked it through with the company, and I almost changed my mind. I cried for days, and I missed you every day that I was gone." 

He misunderstood the question, but Hyunjin doesn't mind it at all. 

He's stuck between throwing himself on the dashboard or pulling him into a hug. He says, "I meant, the kiss, Minnie. In itself. Was it a good thing?" 

"Do you mean to ask if you're a _good kisser_?" 

"No! I-" Then he lets go of his frustration by falling into peals of laughter. Seungmin joins along.

The silence that followed after is comfortable. It's _more_ than comfortable.

He meets Seungmin's eyes, and he immediately knows what he's supposed to do. 

Hyunjin meets his lips halfway, feeling the other wash over like a wave of warmth, like he's kissing him for the first time.

Seungmin smiles into the kiss, and when they pull away a minute later to catch their breaths, he is still smiling at him. 

"Yeah." He breathes, "It's definitely a good thing." 

Hyunjin turns away, blushing, desperate to find something he can hold on to just to keep him grounded. 

Then he remembers. 

He reaches in the inside of his shirt, taking out the chained necklace that he has worn so much it seems as if it's a part of him now. 

Seungmin gasps softly as he hands him the chained guitar pick. 

He starts to shake his head, but Hyunjin grabs his hand and places the necklace on his palm. 

“Didn't I revoke my ownership when I abandoned it?” 

“Nah.” Hyunjin looks at him, watches as he turns the pick over in his fingers. A part of him still couldn't believe that Seungmin's here, that he's back. He realizes that the only thing separating them now is air. (Not distance, not time.) Just air, and Hyunjin can easily lean into it and kiss him again if he wants to. He wants to, but he doesn't because staring at him is just about enough to make his heart soar. 

"It has always been yours." 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> \- sending my last thanks to the prompter ! ty for such an amazing prompt,,, the moment i read it on the spreadsheet i just knew i had to write it !! i know i kinda went overboard and lead myself in a series of frustrations during the journey of writing this but it was all worth it !! band aus are just @_@  
> \- i deleted the scene where hj & sm met and that's what the _record/vinyl store_ all pertains to,,, i might post that part up as a prequel. (i dont hv any excuse for other plot holes u_u)  
> \- thank u so much for reading <3

**Author's Note:**

> \- sending my last thanks to the prompter ! ty for such an amazing prompt,,, the moment i read it on the spreadsheet i just knew i had to write it !! i know i kinda went overboard and lead myself in a series of frustrations during the journey of writing this but it was all worth it !! band aus are just @_@  
> \- i deleted the scene where hj & sm met and that's what the _record/vinyl store_ all pertains to,,, i might post that part up as a prequel. (i dont hv any excuse for other plot holes u_u)  
> \- thank u so much for reading <3


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